There was a birthday today.
My baby's birthday was today.
It was quiet and solemn around the Jarvis house today; not because festivities were limited due to COVID distancing or protests, but because my baby is not here.
He died - and I'm still pissed.
I've discussed with Matt recently that I have not blogged a lot about Jett Matthew.
There wasn't the months and months of updates, of pictures, of warning...to write about and get off my chest. No - this time, there was a warning, his birth...and then he was gone.
I haven't known what to share about Jett; because his loss
feels so much different than Piper's.
What I can share is real & raw (duh - have we met?)...and angry. I've realized I have been afraid to share my anger with you. I am so proud of the fun and love and giving that we choose to share with Grace Blankets and our family. I try so very hard to keep things positive; but for now, love me through my anger, please.
I remember this 1 year birthday mark with Piper. The outside world has turned for 365 days, the distant friends may assume that time has softened the blow of infant loss; but NO, my momma heart is screaming in pain:
"STOP TURNING - STOP MOVING ON - THIS. JUST. HAPPENED. WE ARE NOT OK - ACKNOWLEDGE THIS HUMAN BEING....IT HAS NOT BEEN A YEAR OF HEALING! STOP WORLD....Stop and remember him. Please. Remember he was here and lived."
Time is a shitty shitty thing.
I speak from experience when I say, yes, eventually time makes pain less acute.
I feel we are in that space of time since Piper died.
That first year though - time stands still for the Jarvis family. Why the fuck do I have to know this from experience? I am so angry at the repetitiveness of this! Ya'll!
My deepest worry when preparing for Jett's arrival, was that his short time on Earth would make him less significant for others, than Piper. (I know any mom that's experienced a miscarriage, a late term loss, stillbirth...understands where I am coming from.) I SEE YOU, mommas. Your babies are significant - regardless of their time here.
Jett would have been 1 year old today;
and I am still struggling with the lack of closure and redemption for our family. I am beyond grateful to be a part of a special needs, NICU mom, KC, CMH mom, loss mom community...and I watch other families walk their own journeys of hardship with their babies - BUT there always comes the redemption stories. The rainbow babies. The full term babies. The babies that enter these families lives and heal old wounds. I am so happy for these stories...but I am still so sad that they are not mine. We had no such redemption story. No baby that came without fear and pain. No baby to snuggle without counting the minutes until they were gone. I am still pissed.
Yes - we know the countless outside the box options of continuing our family. For now, try to not fix this - and just hold space for Jett right now; and pray for our family. We continue daily, with the goal of being open minded, pure in heart, and led by God for our next steps...BUT also with the notion of being perfectly content and ok with our family as is.
We have loved the support and outpouring of love this year, and I have had countless conversations with others offering advice and help with family planning. I have realized we are all just trying our best to fix each other's pain, to make it sting less, to offer solutions that can help solve a problem.
I urge you to step outside your comfort zone the next time you are around someone in pain. Do not offer well intended advice to make yourself feel better in the silent moment. It's awkward - but allow someone to be in pain. Hold reverence and respect, and sit with them in pain. No solution necessary. It's hard...but YOU will be the support they remember.
If you have read this far and haven't chalked me up to being a bitter asshole - THANK YOU.
Again, I am so proud of our little family, our little cause, and the positivity we try to spread out in the world....but I needed to be real for a sec. It's still hard to see happy families. To watch siblings play. To witness redemption stories....and not crave them with every cell in my being.
This is loss. This is grief.
I am a mother of 3, I viscerally felt that there was someone missing today. Someone important.
His name is Jett Mathew - and he would be 1 year old.
There was a birthday today.
(all photos cred: Andy Pollard)
A year ago, on this day, Piper Grace left this earth.
I was aching, body and soul. The "worst case" had finally caught us, our fears realized, our grief began...a year ago today.
The drive home from the hospital the night Piper died, I remember being quiet. Silent with a million questions running through my mind.
"What do we do now?"
"Did that just happen?"
"Will we be ok?"
"How much worse will this hurt?"
"How long? How long will this hurt?"
Piper's entire life, starting in utero, we planned to lose her. We planned, not knowing the day or hour, but we hoped, we loved her, celebrated her, learned from her and still planned for her to leave us. We prepared our hearts for the day they would break, not knowing how shattered we would feel. Shattered. What a perfect word for how her departure felt.
Here I sit, a year later, shattered still - but glued together with the love and support Matt and I have received. Glued together by the awe we have in how Piper's story has touched others. Thank you, for loving us this year, for remembering our sweet girl, for helping us through.
I truly believe our family was touched by God's Grace during this time. When anyone said "I can't even imagine how you cope..." the answer is GRACE. How fitting, right? Grace.
Yes a year has passed, we have lived and loved and learned some things. I look back and am proud of our strength. Our hearts have endured turmoil, and yet we survived. It's allowed me to view life's struggles with a different lens. There's not much I fear I can't handle. My heart can handle it. Bring it on, life! Thanks, Pipes, for teaching us to stress less, and conquer more!
I'm proud of my marriage. I've never been more grateful that I married by best friend. In the midst of our NICU journey, the man next to me wasn't just my husband of 10 years. As my heart shattered, I turned to the 15 year old boy that was my best friend. He held me up. He knew my strength and reminded me of it. He wiped my tears, validated our decisions, and was our rock. Matthew Jarvis, I love you as my husband, but you, as my life long friend, was what got us through. I'm so proud of us.
I'm grateful for the teaching moments Piper's life and death has afforded me. Tallan Hope has been so receptive to chats about death, Heaven, God, Jesus; and I am thankful for her frank and curious mind.
I've spoken to a few groups, strangers, starbucks patrons, anyone really...about Piper Grace. The biggest lesson I've learned this year, is that I DO NOT HAVE TO KNOW how Piper will touch others' lives. I am here merely to share her story, and watch as she affects so many people in so many different ways. I think many people ask "why did this have to happen?" or the dreaded "everything happens for a reason," and I sigh and say that I do not need to know why. There's no ONE why, right? Think of how Piper's life has affected you. There are a million different ways she's touched you all, and it's my single most favorite thing to hear about.
Yes, Piper Grace Jarvis died a year ago, on this day. Matt and I kind of made a point not to build up expectations for this day. No rehearsal of emotions we assumed we'd have. No grave site to tend to. No balloons to release. We chose to acknowledge this day quietly as a family, and contemplate how far we've come in this past year.
A year ago, this day sucked; but the day she left us seems insignificant when compared to the day she arrived, the days we loved her, the days she taught us. I will be grateful for ALL the days I had with Piper Grace, even this one.
(Pics following are of our final hours with Piper.)
Woo Hoooooo!
Check out the fancy new blog design! A HUGE thank you goes out to Jodie Gerling, for coming to my rescue and sprucing things up for me! You rock my face right off, woman!
***
Have I mentioned that I've been getting my head shrunk? Ain't no shame in my game. Since February 2015, while Piper was still alive, I've been going to a therapist. I love to talk...I love to talk about myself...I love therapy.
The result: my overly egotistic self now thinks I'm a psychologist. (Duh!)
In all seriousness though, this has really helped me dig into the how and why I want to grieve, give back, and tap into coping skills while incorporating my faith in this recovery process.
Something I've been mulling over for a while now, is me getting tinges of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. I've analyzed, then OVERanalyzed why; and have come to this conclusion: (I'm billing you for this session later.) I get SO excited to help, to make a difference, to give back, to have Piper be remembered...that I regress into the thoughts that everything I can do is too small. I look at this big ole' world and have the humbling realization that I am just a mere drop in the bucket. Just a small tiny blanket drive lady, trying to make a difference, but just a drop in the bucket that is children's hospital philanthropy.
Blankets, hospital committees, NICU meals, bereavement bath products...does it make a difference? Have you ever had thoughts like this? "Am I even making a difference?"
This is when I have to stop. Slow my roll, and tell myself, "Hell YES it does!"
Now, all my psychotherapy comes in handy when I am so excited to share with you my thoughts on giving back...
Do NOT let being, "just" a drop in the bucket, extinguish your flame! Your drop means something to someone. Your light has a purpose. Hold that light out and shine the way, baby!
Matt and I have had discussions recently about our faith in God as youngsters. We were raised as Christians, and were pretty darn boring teens. No crazy fall to rise from, no huge mistakes, prude - boring teens. As a Christian, and a quiet one at that, this led me to feel like I had no real profound testimony to share with others. I always had God's light within my heart, and carried it with me through this life.
What Piper has done, is allow me to take my light, extend my arms, and hold it out for all to see. Piper's life has given us a reason to shine that light for others, regardless of how big or small the audience. My drop in the bucket is awesome, my flame will be bright, and I will shine it for you, Pipes!
While compiling my words for this post, a song from childhood came to mind that I'd love for you to hear. It's perfect for this topic. (The YouTube video might be corny, but the words touch my heart.) I urge you to give it a listen, and think about how you use your light.
Go Light Your World
***
NOW, it's time for another PIPES shirt order!!!!!
Some of you missed the last order, and we are excited to offer these again! T-shirt money goes straight into the Grace Blanket account and has been used in these ways thus far:
* Blanket purchases to stockpile for August hospital delivery
* Bath product purchase for NICU bereavement team
* Website domain purchase
* Non-profit filing process
* NICU family meal event (we fed over 50 parents this January!)
* Footprint keepsake supplies for NICU nurses to create for families
* Blankets blankets blankets for NICU/PICU babies!
In short - Y'ALL ROCK. This is YOU shining your light! Thank you so so much!
Here are shirt ordering specifics! Call, text and email me ASAP!
817.319.8116 or tarajarvis13@gmail.com
(yes, shirt prices are increased from last time...I spent waaaay more on tax & shipping than I bargained for!)
* $18 - Adult Sizes S - 3X
* $12 - Child Sizes XS - XL
* $10 - Baby Onesies NB - 24mo
When you call, text or email, I need from you:
* how many & what size
* your shipping address
* I can take cc payment over speaker phone, you mail a check, or meet me with cash!
* your order isn't recorded until payment received. Emailing me doesn't ensure you get a
shirt...money talks, baby!
* I'll text or email you our address for check mailing. (Just not posting it here, duh!)
* Checks payable to: Grace Blankets or Tara Jarvis DBA Grace Blankets
SHIRT ORDERS/PAYMENT DUE BY MARCH 5th! (2+ weeks)
Questions? Call me. Text me. Email me.
Check out all these fine folks sporting their Pipes shirts! How amazing! What a great way to get the word out about our blanket drive cause, CDH awareness, and remember such an awesome person!
We love you all! Can't wait to talk soon! #PipersPod
