On this day...

A year ago, on this day, Piper Grace left this earth.  I was aching, body and soul. The "worst case" had finally caught us, our fears realized, our grief began...a year ago today.  The drive home from the hospital the night Piper died, I remember being quiet. Silent with a million questions running through my mind.   "What do we do now?"   "Did that just happen?"   "Will we be ok?"   "How much worse will this hurt?"   "How long? How long will this hurt?" Piper's entire life, starting in utero, we planned to lose her. We planned, not knowing the day or hour, but we hoped, we loved her, celebrated her, learned from her and still planned for her to leave us. We prepared our hearts for the day they would break, not knowing how shattered we would feel. Shattered. What a perfect word for how her departure felt.  Here I sit, a year later, shattered still - but glued together with the love and support Matt and I have received. Glued together by the awe we have in how Piper's story has touched others. Thank you, for loving us this year, for remembering our sweet girl, for helping us through. I truly believe our family was touched by God's Grace during this time. When anyone said "I can't even imagine how you cope..." the answer is GRACE. How fitting, right? Grace. Yes a year has passed, we have lived and loved and learned some things. I look back and am proud of our strength. Our hearts have endured turmoil, and yet we survived. It's allowed me to view life's struggles with a different lens. There's not much I fear I can't handle. My heart can handle it. Bring it on, life! Thanks, Pipes, for teaching us to stress less, and conquer more! I'm proud of my marriage. I've never been more grateful that I married by best friend. In the midst of our NICU journey, the man next to me wasn't just my husband of 10 years. As my heart shattered, I turned to the 15 year old boy that was my best friend. He held me up. He knew my strength and reminded me of it. He wiped my tears, validated our decisions, and was our rock. Matthew Jarvis, I love you as my husband, but you, as my life long friend, was what got us through. I'm so proud of us.  I'm grateful for the teaching moments Piper's life and death has afforded me. Tallan Hope has been so receptive to chats about death, Heaven, God, Jesus; and I am thankful for her frank and curious mind.  I've spoken to a few groups, strangers, starbucks patrons, anyone really...about Piper Grace. The biggest lesson I've learned this year, is that I DO NOT HAVE TO KNOW how Piper will touch others' lives. I am here merely to share her story, and watch as she affects so many people in so many different ways. I think many people ask "why did this have to happen?" or the dreaded "everything happens for a reason," and I sigh and say that I do not need to know why. There's no ONE why, right? Think of how Piper's life has affected you. There are a million different ways she's touched you all, and it's my single most favorite thing to hear about.  Yes, Piper Grace Jarvis died a year ago, on this day. Matt and I kind of made a point not to build up expectations for this day. No rehearsal of emotions we assumed we'd have. No grave site to tend to. No balloons to release. We chose to acknowledge this day quietly as a family, and contemplate how far we've come in this past year.  A year ago, this day sucked; but the day she left us seems insignificant when compared to the day she arrived, the days we loved her, the days she taught us. I will be grateful for ALL the days I had with Piper Grace, even this one.  (Pics following are of our final hours with Piper.)

 

Prepping for Arrival

Hey all! Wow, what an outpouring of love and support we've received in the past few weeks! Your kind words, prayers, care packages and visits have warmed our hearts and filled us with such peace and love for our friends. Each of you are so appreciated, for the part you are playing in our healing. Your gestures of support mean more than we can ever put into words. I thought I'd touch base with ya'll once more to give an update to our preparation plans for Piper Grace's arrival. We are looking forward to family trickling into town as this weekend begins our birth journey. 

• Friday AM - My mom, Mimi, will fly into town!
• Friday PM - Matthew and I will take one last opportunity to go on date before life changes for a bit. (Here's hoping it's at my favorite restaurant.....wait.....who am I kidding? I love everything that is edible, so here's to me having a great meal regardless!) Woo Hoo! I truly cherish this time to spend with Matt, whether it's laughing, or in quiet contemplation of what's ahead. I am so blessed to have a partner that I can lovingly do both with, and feel completely at peace.
• Friday Late Late PM - The rest of the Tyler clan arrives by car! My dad (Grumpy/DoDo), grandma Pat, brother Drew (Uncle Whiskey), his gal pal Heather, and my grandfather Mikey will all be here for support. Please pray for their safe drive (and for them to remember to bring me Chicken Express Rolls. Texas peeps, you know what I'm talkin' bout!)
• Saturday PM - Matt's parents, Oma & Grandad, will join us for a big family dinner for fun, fellowship, fun, and fun. We will be so excited to have everyone together.
• Sunday AM - As a family, we will take one last summer trip to Kansas City's River Market to show Drew & Heather the sights...and eat beignets. Do I see a food theme here? If you follow us on facebook, you know this has become a fun family tradition and I'm more than happy to choose this as my last eating adventure before I fast for the hospital process. Beignets for all! What a great weekend itenerary for quality time and fun with the ones we love so much. I am so grateful to have this time with them.
• Sunday PM - Matt and I will head up to the hospital to begin some cervical prep for Monday's big induction. Little will be happening this night, but relaxing and gearing up for Piper. Matt's sister, Aunt KK, will also be arriving from OSU, completing our family support.
• Monday AM - August 4th, Children's Mercy Hospital. The official begin of inducing labor. After that, your guess is as good as ours as to how long it will be before it's time to delivery our sweet girl. We are prepared to be calm, patient, and spend quality time with family during this process.

This is when the unknown begins. We do not know how Piper will be at delivery, we do not know how much time we will have, we do not know a single thing. We have embraced this fact, and decided to jump on the ride, and savor every moment until the time comes for the ride to stop. That's it. I pray that our minds are open and ready for love and peace during Piper's life; and not clouded by fear of pain. I am so thankful that we will have time to experience her as a family, together, no matter how long she's here. 

Please pray for everyone's hearts during this process. From new parents in emotional pain, to our parents watching their babies in pain, we are all on a separate journey that needs support.

We are so grateful for all this family being here, not only for Matt & I, but for Tallan Hope! Mimi and Oma will be in charge of Tallan during this process. She will be having fun at home and around town with her grandparents, aunt & uncle. She will not be at the hospital with us, providing an non- distracted experience for us, as well as a drama free few days for her. I look forward to getting back to my sweet Tallan once this process is over. She will be such a saving grace for my mind. 

It's difficult, to put into writing, the mixed emotion we are feeling at this point. We are dreading this process due to the pain we know is coming. We are anxious to start this so we can begin to heal. We are scared to lose Piper. We are grateful Piper won't endure months of pain and surgery. We can't imagine how long it will take to navigate through this pain. We look forward to future family happiness, babies, and healing. Those are the emotions right now. Mixed, confused, but I think, ultimately hopeful.

Again, thank YOU for being our prayer warriors. At times when I am tired, and emotional, I think of the blanket of prayer that surrounds our little family. From the long time friends, the new KC friends, extended family, to all the warriors that we don't even know - Thank you. Your prayers are felt, and I am overwhelmed with emotion as I consider that love you are giving. Thank you.

Leaving you with a few happy happy pics of my favorite family prayer warriors. They have been there through all of this, and the strength we draw from each other is amazing. We love ya'll so much!

 

Life Happens...

Holy Moly Batman! It has been 2 months since my last post!

When I started this blog, my sweet baby was napping twice a day, sitting by herself, and allowing mommy a plethora of opportunities for mid-day blogging. Welp, times have changed my friend! I now have a coo coo crazy 15mo old running around, climbing on things, teething molars and fighting naps. (Umm, those molars are no joke folks!)  I'm super psyched to be back to the blog this afternoon. I have so much to catch up with! We've had a hospital stay for a baby butt pimple gone awry ( yep, you read that right!), a family photo shoot, words are being spoken, steps are being taken, daily mama drama and a family trip is coming up! Where do I begin!?

I'd love to share our latest family pics with you - A windy day in the Kansas City West Bottoms. I loved the urban setting and the easy breezy pictures we captured with the help of Wendy Cantwell.
Tallan has officially decided she is over the adorable hair accessories we've gotten away with in previous photo shoots, so her hair is a little wild, but I love it. If you would have told me 15mo ago, that a gorgeous, fair-skinned, blue-eyed, red headed child would be coming out of me...I wouldn't have believed you. Oh, but Miss Tallan Hope, with her silly mommy faces and perfectly drama free attitude, has made me cherish the little silly things about myself that I see in her daily.

Enjoy the pics! Butt pimple stories, cloth diaper tips, and silly mommy stories coming soon to the blog. Promise I won't stay away so long next time!

In a Texas State of Mind

Five and a half years ago, Matt and I moved to Kansas City to embark on our first adventure as a married couple. He was accepted into pharmacy school here, and through the years I have grown to love this city and what it has to offer. After pharmacy school graduation, we decided to stay here to grow our family and experience life as a new pharmacist and a new stay at home mom. I am grateful daily for the life we live here; but from time to time, I reminisce about a place I hold very dear to my heart. Just a tiny little place called Texas...have you heard of it?

Born and raised in the Texas Panhandle, then relocated to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, I like my hair high, my belts sparkly and my music country. My roots have cowboy boots and my occasional curse words have a slight Texas twang. I don't miss the Dallas traffic, or the Panhandle cell phone reception....but the food and the fine people are constantly on my mind. Most importantly, a piece of my heart is in Mansfield, Texas, where my immediate family still lives today.

About a month ago, Tallan and I sneaked onto an airplane and headed to Texas to surprise Mimi (my mother) with a special visit. We had such a great time, and she was so shocked to see us! With family time in the works and good Tex-Mex in my belly, I had one more thing to check off my list during our stay.

From the moment I learned I was pregnant with Tallan, I hoped we would one day have the opportunity to take pictures in a field of bluebonnets: Texas springtime personified. Lucky for me, I have a friend that could make that happen, and I couldn't be happier with the results. Tamera Lewis, with Snap'd Photography, helped us capture sweet Tallan in one of the most beautiful settings: a Texas bluebonnet field at sunset.

We had such a great time visiting family and are so thankful for the relationships Tallan is building with her grandparents. My visits to Texas always have a funny way of  allowing memories of my past to meld with my present...and give me a glimpse of the future.

Tallan Hope: A Birth Story

Over a year has passed since our lives were changed forever. Tallan Hope has brought us so much joy and laughter, and cliché as it may sound, I cannot imagine life without her! I’ve wanted to share her birth story, and thought a year after her birth would be a great time to reflect. One day, when I’m the over sharing, embarrassing, too many picture taking mom she loves to love…she can read back through this “over share,” and know how her entrance into this world was the greatest moment of our lives.

After a relaxing Easter weekend, I awoke early morning on Monday, April 9^th, 2012 to do what any normal 36 week pregnant woman does…..RUN (ahem – more like waddle) to the bathroom! Getting back into bed, I told my husband I had a funny nervous feeling. “What do you mean, funny feeling?,” he asked. I had a butterflies in the tummy feeling that I just couldn't shake. To top things off, our dog Marley had climbed into bed with us (which she’s not allowed to do,) and had laid right next to me. Dogs have a 6^th sense right? A sign? I THINK SO! My husband laughed off the aforementioned canine omen, and left me for Pharmacy School around 7am. With a precious 3 more hours left to sleep before heading in to work myself, I could not drift off due to the butterflies.

Giving in to my gut, I got up and proceeded to pack my hospital bag…ya know, just in case! God forbid I go into labor at work and the responsibility fall on my husband to bring me the hospital essentials! He totally would've forgotten my eyeliner! That task completed, I left my readied bag on our bed and proceeded to head to work managing a fitness facility.

First things first when I got to work – the noon boot camp fitness class. My big bellied, swollen ankled self got those dumbbells out and music bumpin'! While getting our workout on, I felt a couple “trickles.” Frustrated that I was now at the point of my pregnancy where I’d pee on myself whilst teaching group exercise, I headed to my office to answer emails. Upon sitting and chatting with a co-worker, I GASPED as one extra “trickle” seemed a bit more noticeable than the rest. I promptly called my doctor and requested to be squeezed in for a quick check for my water breaking….or to confirm that my bladder was deceiving me.

At 4pm, I met my husband at the doctor’s office. As we waited, we both felt silly being there for such a false alarm as peeing on myself, but figured we’d lasted 36 weeks before pestering our doctor with our first timer worries. Silliness was converted to down right SHOCK when the doctor returned to tell us my water had broken, I was 4cm dilated and to waddle my butt right over to Labor & Delivery! Whaaaa!?  Good thing I packed my bag right!?

With Matt’s parents headed to the hospital, my parent’s rushing for a plane from Texas, and Matt running home to grab my bag, I was being signed in to the hospital and getting my IVs. Not knowing how long my water had actually been broken, I was given Pitocin to ensure active labor. Speaking through easy breezy contractions, as my nurse readjusted my monitors, Tallan kicked and broke the rest of my bag of water. Within 5 minutes of the kick, my contraction intensity increased exponentially! As my parents arrived at midnight on Tuesday, April 10^th, 2012, I was a little bit ready to tell them “hello, thanks for coming,” and a LOTTA BIT ready to have an epidural.

Epidural in, 7-8cm dilated, and I was one fat happy camper! The next three hours were a blur of chit chat, steady progression, and building excitement. By 3:00am I was ready to push! Channeling the yoga I had taught my entire pregnancy, I was determined not to be the mom who couldn't push well! With G-Dad and Grumpy (our fathers) sent to the waiting room, and Matt, the grandmas, and sister-in- law ready to help me during the long haul of pushing…we were well on our way.

With a calmness in the room I would NEVER attribute to my personality, I pushed 3 times (less than 10min) before little Miss Tallan Hope arrived into this world. Looking back, I have no idea why my type A, intense self wasn't more vocal, scared or stressed….but I just wasn't. Everyone in the delivery room can attest to the cool, calm and collected manner in which our birth occurred. A peace given from God is surely the only answer. We were truly blessed to have such a positive experience, with no complications.

4 weeks early, weighing in at 5lbs 12oz and 19inches long, Tallan was just ready to meet her phenomenal family. Her arrival made a couple of silly married people into the blessed little family we are today. We are still silly, we just added another character.

It has been a year from her birth, and I cannot comprehend how the time has passed so quickly. To sum things up after a year of motherhood: I have never been more in awe of the miracles God provides, scared of being inexperienced, proud for learning how to be a parent, excited to watch my spouse be a father. I love this little person so much it hurts. She is the best pieces of husband and myself all rolled up into this perfect little miracle that God has let us borrow.  Thank you, Tallan Hope, for joining our family. We will 

never, ever be the same.

ER Plight & a Texas Flight

Well, I made it 8 months before having a scary mommy story to tell. Thank heavens this story does not involve sweet Miss Tallan, but yours truly.

Before the Christmas holiday, Tal and I had planned a trip to Texas to see my family. A couple days before departing  however, I awoke feeling terrible nauseous. I spent the better part of a morning and an afternoon fighting the inevitable...and finally gave in a couple hours before hubbo got off work! It's one thing to worship the toilet gods by yourself; but leaving a screaming baby in her crib while you do so, is heart wrenching! With a very sour tummy, I set out on these very small, yet important daily tasks:

• Nurse Tallan all day - Success!
• Feed myself - FAIL (too nauseous)
• Google search "Pregnant with IUD" - which is waaaaay too common for my liking people!
• Puke again - SUCCESS!
• Push fluids - eh, somewhat successful

Hubs came home, and took over with Tallan (have I mentioned she won't take a bottle? Boob only? Well now ya know.) With Matt home, I could now focus on some quality toilet time. Noticing my hands were cramping after my most recent upchuck, I started to get worried. Hand cramps turned to arm cramps, turned to calf cramps. LOOOOOONG story short: Mama had to get to the hospital for some high quality muscle relaxers and fluids before the night was over. (No, the end to that story was not that simple, and YES the wait in the ER with total body cramps was horrible...but I'm tired of typing this story.)

Mucho thanks to my MIL & SIL who rushed to help with Tallan at home so Matt could be with me! Apparently nursing a baby all day literally sucks the life out of you. (Now, why not the fat? COME ON!)

Scary story accomplished, and still a bit weak tummied, Tal and I made it to Texas a day later! Cue happy music now! No melt down, fun new Picalo carrier used & no throwing up for either of us. We had such a great time in Texas with family. Tallan got to see her Mimi & Grumpy, Uncle Whiskey, & Great Gma. We were so thankful for the opportunity to visit!

A wonderful part about our Texas trip, was I got to catch up with an old friend; and was so excited for her to shoot pics of Tallan in the fall foliage. Local Texas peeps, Tamera with Snap'd Photography is flipping amazing, super speedy and affordable! I could not be happier with our photo's! Thanks Miss Tamera, for making our Texas trip not only great to see fam, but a wonderful time we marked with your photos. See a couple shots of Tallan Hope below, as well as a candid iphone shot of her and her Mimi. Adorbs!

All photos above courtesy of Snap'd Photography

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!