A Birthday

There was a birthday today. 
My baby's birthday was today. 
It was quiet and solemn around the Jarvis house today; not because festivities were limited due to COVID distancing or protests, but because my baby is not here.  He died - and I'm still pissed. 
I've discussed with Matt recently that I have not blogged a lot about Jett Matthew.  There wasn't the months and months of updates, of pictures, of warning...to write about and get off my chest. No - this time, there was a warning, his birth...and then he was gone. 
I haven't known what to share about Jett; because his loss  feels so much different than Piper's.  What I can share is real & raw (duh - have we met?)...and angry. I've realized I have been afraid to share my anger with you. I am so proud of the fun and love and giving that we choose to share with Grace Blankets and our family. I try so very hard to keep things positive; but for now, love me through my anger, please. 
I remember this 1 year birthday mark with Piper. The outside world has turned for 365 days, the distant friends may assume that time has softened the blow of infant loss; but NO, my momma heart is screaming in pain:  "STOP TURNING - STOP MOVING ON - THIS. JUST. HAPPENED. WE ARE NOT OK - ACKNOWLEDGE THIS HUMAN BEING....IT HAS NOT BEEN A YEAR OF HEALING! STOP WORLD....Stop and remember him. Please. Remember he was here and lived."
Time is a shitty shitty thing.  I speak from experience when I say, yes, eventually time makes pain less acute.  I feel we are in that space of time since Piper died.  That first year though - time stands still for the Jarvis family. Why the fuck do I have to know this from experience? I am so angry at the repetitiveness of this! Ya'll! 
My deepest worry when preparing for Jett's arrival, was that his short time on Earth would make him less significant for others, than Piper. (I know any mom that's experienced a miscarriage, a late term loss, stillbirth...understands where I am coming from.) I SEE YOU, mommas. Your babies are significant - regardless of their time here. 
Jett would have been 1 year old today; and I am still struggling with the lack of closure and redemption for our family. I am beyond grateful to be a part of a special needs, NICU mom, KC, CMH mom, loss mom community...and I watch other families walk their own journeys of hardship with their babies - BUT there always comes the redemption stories. The rainbow babies. The full term babies. The babies that enter these families lives and heal old wounds. I am so happy for these stories...but I am still so sad that they are not mine. We had no such redemption story. No baby that came without fear and pain. No baby to snuggle without counting the minutes until they were gone. I am still pissed. 
Yes - we know the countless outside the box options of continuing our family.  For now, try to not fix this - and just hold space for Jett right now; and pray for our family. We continue daily, with the goal of being open minded, pure in heart, and led by God for our next steps...BUT also with the notion of being perfectly content and ok with our family as is. 
We have loved the support and outpouring of love this year, and I have had countless conversations with others offering advice and help with family planning. I have realized we are all just trying our best to fix each other's pain, to make it sting less, to offer solutions that can help solve a problem.  I urge you to step outside your comfort zone the next time you are around someone in pain. Do not offer well intended advice to make yourself feel better in the silent moment. It's awkward  - but allow someone to be in pain. Hold reverence and respect, and sit with them in pain. No solution necessary.  It's hard...but YOU will be the support they remember. 
If you have read this far and haven't chalked me up to being a bitter asshole - THANK YOU.  Again, I am so proud of our little family, our little cause, and the positivity we try to spread out in the world....but I needed to be real for a sec. It's still hard to see happy families. To watch siblings play. To witness redemption stories....and not crave them with every cell in my being.  This is loss. This is grief. 
I am a mother of 3, I viscerally felt that there was someone missing today. Someone important. His name is Jett Mathew - and he would be 1 year old.  There was a birthday today.    

                          (all photos cred: Andy Pollard)